The relative that I have the most communication with is my aunt. She is 82 years old and lives about two hours away from me. She is still living on her own but is requiring my assistance more and more as time goes on. Understandably, it is her desire to stay in her little home for the rest of her days if possible.
Our communication roles have changed over the years. When she was younger, her role was more of a mentor to me. She would give me advice regarding my career, family, and education. She would also share stories about her parents, grandparents, and other relatives that I never had the opportunity to meet. I learned a lot about our family ancestry that I never would have known if she hadn’t taken the time to share with me.
As she has gotten older, she has become more dependent on me to take care of her. Routine tasks such as paying bills and housecleaning have become too overwhelming and difficult for her mentally and physically so I take care of those things for her. Instead of the analytical type conversations that we used to have, she now wants me to make decisions for her. Normal conversing back and forth is becoming less frequent. She usually does all the talking for an extended period of time before she gets around to the point she was trying to make and sometimes she is just too tired to talk at all.
She gets confused and frustrated a lot easier these days. She is still fairly patient with me when having a conversation, but I see her becoming very short-fused with others. When I take her out shopping and she decides to yell at a clerk or at a neighbor for something they did that she didn’t like, it is very uncomfortable for me. In many ways, it almost as if I have taken on the role of a parent or mentor explaining why that behavior is unacceptable.
I do understand that this type of behavior is not uncommon as people get older, but sometimes she tells me that she doesn’t have to put up with anything from anyone as if getting older gives her a right to speak to people however she chooses. The fact that she can pick and choose who she acts this way towards also tells me that it is not something that is beyond her ability to control.
She often tells people when I take her out to eat or shopping that I am her “little angel” that has allowed her to stay in her home by helping her out. Therefore, I often feel that if I weren’t the one helping her stay in her home then I might be subject to the same treatment she gives hers siblings on the phone, clerks, and the neighbors!
I love my aunt very much and obviously would do anything for her. Observing her with others has made me stop and think though that I hope I can control myself a little better and not say hurtful things to others when I get to her age. Showing courtesy and respect to others is important at any age.
Wow Teri,
ReplyDeleteI certainly admire your willingness to care for your Aunt. My husband was in poor health before he died and was heavily medicated. I can understand your distress dealing with your aunt’s behavior. My husband was a big guy, but gentle as a teddy bear. Once he went to the doctor while I was at work and they gave him a new medication. That evening he was someone I didn’t know. It is the only time I was actually afraid of him. Thankfully, once he got the antedote to that medication he was back to his normal self. The point I’m trying to make is that personality is definitely altered by brain chemistry. If her behavior has changed as she has aged you’re probably correct in thinking it is age related. In a way it helps to know it’s not who she really is, but in another way it makes the situation even more frustrating because it’s difficult to reason with her.
As I get older I am seeing my own short term memory becoming less reliable. It’s kind of scary. Like you, I hope I’m able to function and reason at that age. I agree that our roles change as our parents get older. They do become more dependent and we take on the role of parent with them. I expect it’s probably frustrating for her too having to be dependent. I’m glad she is at least able to understand your care for her is out of love and that she appreciates what you do for her.
I, too, admire your dedication in caring for your aunt. It is hard when age and sometimes stress change someone we love and know so well.
ReplyDeleteWhen my husband had a serious motorcycle accident that almost took his life and left him handicapped, he became someone who was very hard to love. I had my eighteen-month-old son at the time and tried to drive 75 miles round-trip to see him every day, only to be yelled at and kicked out of his hospital room. He was the same man I married, but in dealing with pain and a disfiguring leg injury, his personality was temporarily altered. I finally asked our pastor to take turns visiting him because the stress on me was too great. When he did finally come home after 11 surgeries, he was suicidal. It was a tough time in our lives and our love was tested. What helps is to remember who the person is at the core. He was strong, independent—a healthy physical fitness buff. This injury challenged his self-concept and, ultimately, left him a better person, but the process was so difficult for him and for me.
The difference with aging is that they are not going to get through this and learn some tough life lessons. This is their life now. My mother is in that place. She seems fairly well, but some of the things she does make us children scratch our heads. After my father died in 2008, she started fixating on the 50-something bachelor brother of one of her son-in-laws, thinking she was going to marry him, thinking he loved her. This is not my mother, at least not the strong, godly, sound mother that raised me. She has become obsessive compulsive about some things and can’t seem to discern reality. When a man at church teased her about being a wild cigar-smoking lady (an obvious, if not poorly made joke), she was upset for weeks about damage to her reputation and the fact that he lied.
Again, I think what helps is to remember who people have always been and not what they are becoming because of illness, injury, or degeneration. A tough thing, though. The grace I give others is what I hope others will give me when I am in similar circumstances.